So, Lil' Kim is pregnant. I know I shouldn't care. I don't know her. Maybe she's a lovely person. But, it's hard enough to understand and deal with infertility. It's hard to not have a baby when you know you'd be great at it. It's hard to watch other people have babies. But, it's REALLY hard to watch other hot-mess celebrities celebrate their public pregnancies. Who knows, maybe she will be a great mom. But, right now, I'm pissed. So, here's the official list so far:
Snooki
J-Wow
Lil'Kim
It. Just. Doesn't. Seem. Fair.
Thursday, February 13, 2014
Saturday, February 1, 2014
Having an HSG
After waiting for almost a month, I finally had my HSG test. I am not sure why I was looking forward to it so much--it was NOT a pleasant experience. I think my hope was that I would finally have some answers.
The test: the actual test was not very pleasant. You have to put your legs up in these awful stirrups and lay back while three individuals (the Doctor, the Nurse, and the Resident) all have full view of your vagina for several minutes. It's awesome.
Once they begin, the test goes quickly. It's several very uncomfortable minutes. The speculum is inserted, a catheter is inserted, and then a liquid is squirted all up in you. It's a delight. Mine didn't "take" at first so it actually took two tries. That was awesome. All in all it took about seven minutes. They take pictures of your uterus as the dye is being squirted so that they can look for any abnormalities in your uterus or fallopian tubes.
The results: They spotted two white spots on the pictures. The spots are white because the dye is unable to reach them, which means that there is something there that is wrong. The Doctor was unable to tell me exactly what those spots are, so she said it will probably require further testing and possibly surgery. Apparently the next test requires some kind of camera being shoved up my vagina. Ahhh, the joys of being a woman. It's awesome.
What's Next? I have my follow-up appointment in a few days, on February 4th. This is where they will tell me my "results" of all my tests and bloodwork, and will tell me what the next step is. I have scheduled a spa appointment following my Doctor's appointment, just in case it's terrible news. I felt I needed to balance out the day.
Will keep you posted...
The test: the actual test was not very pleasant. You have to put your legs up in these awful stirrups and lay back while three individuals (the Doctor, the Nurse, and the Resident) all have full view of your vagina for several minutes. It's awesome.
Once they begin, the test goes quickly. It's several very uncomfortable minutes. The speculum is inserted, a catheter is inserted, and then a liquid is squirted all up in you. It's a delight. Mine didn't "take" at first so it actually took two tries. That was awesome. All in all it took about seven minutes. They take pictures of your uterus as the dye is being squirted so that they can look for any abnormalities in your uterus or fallopian tubes.
The results: They spotted two white spots on the pictures. The spots are white because the dye is unable to reach them, which means that there is something there that is wrong. The Doctor was unable to tell me exactly what those spots are, so she said it will probably require further testing and possibly surgery. Apparently the next test requires some kind of camera being shoved up my vagina. Ahhh, the joys of being a woman. It's awesome.
What's Next? I have my follow-up appointment in a few days, on February 4th. This is where they will tell me my "results" of all my tests and bloodwork, and will tell me what the next step is. I have scheduled a spa appointment following my Doctor's appointment, just in case it's terrible news. I felt I needed to balance out the day.
Will keep you posted...
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
So, what happens now? What to expect after two miscarriages
So, once you have TWO miscarriages, the general consensus changes. It's no longer thought that it's just "bad luck" and instead it's thought that you may have a problem. Well, that's where I am.
I recently went to see an infertility specialist. He told me that the old rule of thought was that they used to make you wait for at least three miscarriages before acknowledging a problem, but that now they think that that's "cruel." So, he did explain to me that there really might not be something wrong, but they are going to assume that there is. And that's when the tests begin.
My first appointment with my specialist was on December 17th. It was simply a consultation where he explained my options, asked a lot of questions, and explained the tests that were to come. My first test will be an HSG test. HSG is short for Hysterosalpingogram which is an X-ray procedure performed to determine whether the fallopian tubes are open and if the uterine cavity it normal.
For an HSG test to be performed you have to wait until your period arrives and then the test is permored on days 7-11 of your cycle. I got my period on Christmas (yay Christmas present!) and was excited to get this process started. Before the test they do bloodwork on days 2-3 of your period. I went for bloodwork and was anxious to get my HSG so I could hopefully get answers. My bloodowork came back with pregnancy hormones still present, so they told me to come back for more bloodwork the week my HSG was scheduled. So, I did. I got more bloodwork the day before and there were still pregnancy hormones scheduled. So, they told me to come back the next day (the morning my HSG was scheduled) and they would test again. The test was still positive so they were unable to perform the test and I was sent away to wait until my next cycle.
I am not ashamed to say that I sat in my car in the parking lot and cried. I had driven there in a snowstorm and was so hopeful that this would be the day of the test and that this is when I would find out what was wrong with me. But, no go. So now I wait again. Hopefully my period will come in two weeks and we can start this process. But for now, more waiting....Sigh....
I recently went to see an infertility specialist. He told me that the old rule of thought was that they used to make you wait for at least three miscarriages before acknowledging a problem, but that now they think that that's "cruel." So, he did explain to me that there really might not be something wrong, but they are going to assume that there is. And that's when the tests begin.
My first appointment with my specialist was on December 17th. It was simply a consultation where he explained my options, asked a lot of questions, and explained the tests that were to come. My first test will be an HSG test. HSG is short for Hysterosalpingogram which is an X-ray procedure performed to determine whether the fallopian tubes are open and if the uterine cavity it normal.
For an HSG test to be performed you have to wait until your period arrives and then the test is permored on days 7-11 of your cycle. I got my period on Christmas (yay Christmas present!) and was excited to get this process started. Before the test they do bloodwork on days 2-3 of your period. I went for bloodwork and was anxious to get my HSG so I could hopefully get answers. My bloodowork came back with pregnancy hormones still present, so they told me to come back for more bloodwork the week my HSG was scheduled. So, I did. I got more bloodwork the day before and there were still pregnancy hormones scheduled. So, they told me to come back the next day (the morning my HSG was scheduled) and they would test again. The test was still positive so they were unable to perform the test and I was sent away to wait until my next cycle.
I am not ashamed to say that I sat in my car in the parking lot and cried. I had driven there in a snowstorm and was so hopeful that this would be the day of the test and that this is when I would find out what was wrong with me. But, no go. So now I wait again. Hopefully my period will come in two weeks and we can start this process. But for now, more waiting....Sigh....
Monday, January 6, 2014
Miscarriage #2
After my first miscarriage the comments from the doctors' were very similar. The consensus was: Bad luck. Since miscarriages are very common, the assumption is that when you have one, it's simply bad luck or nature running it's course, etc. It doesn't make it easier to deal with, but that's the general rule of thought.
After my first miscarriage I was dying to get pregnant again. Could. Not. Wait. It only took two months until my 2nd pregnancy. This was in October.
After you've had one miscarriage, they begin to monitor you more closely that someone who has never miscarried. I called the office within an hour of pregnancy test confirmation and they immediately scheduled blood work. I went in that day to have my HCG levels tested and was told to come back two days later. The tests are to confirm that your HCG (the pregnancy hormone) levels are rising appropriately. They wanted mine to double within two days to make sure my pregnancy was in fact, a pregnancy, and that it was progressing appropriately.
It was! Phew. One test down.
Next was a 6 week ultrasound to check for a heartbeat. With my first pregnancy, I wasn't scheduled for an ultrasound until much later, so I was never able to hear a heartbeat. I was scared to death. My mom went with me and I nervously watching faces to see if I could detect that anything was wrong. Nothing was wrong. I heard the heartbeat! It was amazing and exciting and wonderful. My mom said, "See, I told you it was going to be ok."
Two weeks later all of my symptoms just went away. No more slight nausea, no more aching boobs; I felt fine. And that's when I knew. I knew something was wrong, again.
I was 8 weeks when my ultrasound confirmed my 2nd miscarriage. They said all growth had stopped at 6 weeks and 3 days. Just three days after hearing the beautiful heartbeat.
I wish I could explain the sadness and the anger that come with a miscarriage, but I can't. There are no words.
After my first miscarriage I was dying to get pregnant again. Could. Not. Wait. It only took two months until my 2nd pregnancy. This was in October.
After you've had one miscarriage, they begin to monitor you more closely that someone who has never miscarried. I called the office within an hour of pregnancy test confirmation and they immediately scheduled blood work. I went in that day to have my HCG levels tested and was told to come back two days later. The tests are to confirm that your HCG (the pregnancy hormone) levels are rising appropriately. They wanted mine to double within two days to make sure my pregnancy was in fact, a pregnancy, and that it was progressing appropriately.
It was! Phew. One test down.
Next was a 6 week ultrasound to check for a heartbeat. With my first pregnancy, I wasn't scheduled for an ultrasound until much later, so I was never able to hear a heartbeat. I was scared to death. My mom went with me and I nervously watching faces to see if I could detect that anything was wrong. Nothing was wrong. I heard the heartbeat! It was amazing and exciting and wonderful. My mom said, "See, I told you it was going to be ok."
Two weeks later all of my symptoms just went away. No more slight nausea, no more aching boobs; I felt fine. And that's when I knew. I knew something was wrong, again.
I was 8 weeks when my ultrasound confirmed my 2nd miscarriage. They said all growth had stopped at 6 weeks and 3 days. Just three days after hearing the beautiful heartbeat.
I wish I could explain the sadness and the anger that come with a miscarriage, but I can't. There are no words.
Miscarriage #1
I think the worst thing about trying to start a family is all the waiting. You have to wait to ovulate, then you wait two weeks to see if you're actually pregnant. If you're not, you wait again and the cycle continues.
After my first miscarriage, I had to have a D&C. For those of you who don't know what that is, well, it sucks. It's not painful because you are under anesthesia, but it causes a lot more waiting. It's a surgical process to remove the tissue that your body chose not to "get rid of" or "miscarry" on its own.
After the procedure (which takes about 40 minutes) you wait for the bleeding and cramps to stop and then you wait for your period (yay, more bleeding!). Well, after my first D&C, the bleeding got worse and the cramps were awful and we realized that something wasn't "right." A scheduled follow-up trip to the OBGYN found the culprit. The D&C hadn't been completely successful and there was still a small piece of tissue inside (or as they delightfully call it: remaining products of conception). We scheduled a SECOND D&C for later in the week.
While waiting for my 2nd procedure, the pain became intolderable (while on my summer vacation--away from home--at a lake house). The only place in the house where I was remotely comfortable was on the toilet (see, I told you shit was about to get real). It was awful and uncomfortable. Good thing I didn't have dinner guests. Oh wait, yeah, I did. Awkard.
After a call to the emergency line at my doctor's office I was told that my body was basically trying to get the tissue out on its own. It was as if my own body had gone into a process similar to labor. I'm not going to lie, those 24 hours seriously made me want to give up because DAMN, labor hurts. A prescription for Vicodin and lots of sleep made the rest of the week bearable. Good thing I wasn't interviewing for teaching jobs the whole week. Oh wait, yeah, I was. Uncomfortable.
So, two D&C's later and I just had to once again, wait. And wait. And wait.
After my first miscarriage, I had to have a D&C. For those of you who don't know what that is, well, it sucks. It's not painful because you are under anesthesia, but it causes a lot more waiting. It's a surgical process to remove the tissue that your body chose not to "get rid of" or "miscarry" on its own.
After the procedure (which takes about 40 minutes) you wait for the bleeding and cramps to stop and then you wait for your period (yay, more bleeding!). Well, after my first D&C, the bleeding got worse and the cramps were awful and we realized that something wasn't "right." A scheduled follow-up trip to the OBGYN found the culprit. The D&C hadn't been completely successful and there was still a small piece of tissue inside (or as they delightfully call it: remaining products of conception). We scheduled a SECOND D&C for later in the week.
While waiting for my 2nd procedure, the pain became intolderable (while on my summer vacation--away from home--at a lake house). The only place in the house where I was remotely comfortable was on the toilet (see, I told you shit was about to get real). It was awful and uncomfortable. Good thing I didn't have dinner guests. Oh wait, yeah, I did. Awkard.
After a call to the emergency line at my doctor's office I was told that my body was basically trying to get the tissue out on its own. It was as if my own body had gone into a process similar to labor. I'm not going to lie, those 24 hours seriously made me want to give up because DAMN, labor hurts. A prescription for Vicodin and lots of sleep made the rest of the week bearable. Good thing I wasn't interviewing for teaching jobs the whole week. Oh wait, yeah, I was. Uncomfortable.
So, two D&C's later and I just had to once again, wait. And wait. And wait.
Saturday, January 4, 2014
Sometimes you have to scream FUCK
I don't swear all that much in my daily life. I am fairly perky and positive. But, sometimes you just have to say/scream FUCK. Because sometimes things suck. No, they fucking suck, and you and I have the right to say that.
On the front page of yahoo this weekend was the headline: J-Wow is pregnant. J-Wow. First off, if you don't know who "J-Wow" is, lets just start with the name. It has the word "wow" right in it, so that's gotta tell you something.
I watched J-Wow a couple of times on MTV's "Jersey Shore." She now has her own spin-off show with Snooki. That's right, Snooki. I watched this woman get tanned, toned, drunk, sick, felt-up...well, you get the picture. Anyway, she's pregnant. This woman. J-Wow. But, I'm not. And I'm lovely and have never done those things (on tv anyway or since I reached my thirties...).
So, this is one of those things that just doesn't seem fair. And so to this I yell: FUUUCCKKK.
You can too, it's ok.
On the front page of yahoo this weekend was the headline: J-Wow is pregnant. J-Wow. First off, if you don't know who "J-Wow" is, lets just start with the name. It has the word "wow" right in it, so that's gotta tell you something.
I watched J-Wow a couple of times on MTV's "Jersey Shore." She now has her own spin-off show with Snooki. That's right, Snooki. I watched this woman get tanned, toned, drunk, sick, felt-up...well, you get the picture. Anyway, she's pregnant. This woman. J-Wow. But, I'm not. And I'm lovely and have never done those things (on tv anyway or since I reached my thirties...).
So, this is one of those things that just doesn't seem fair. And so to this I yell: FUUUCCKKK.
You can too, it's ok.
The Diagnosis
So, here it is: I am/might be/could be infertile. Wow, it's a really hard thing to type. But, that's the term for it. That's the DIAGNOSIS. And, it's weird because it has so many different meanings and levels.
And, my story is very different and yet similar to/from all the other women who are also struggling with this issue. Everyone who has been diagnosed with infertility has a slightly different story. Some women have been struggling for 10 years, and may view my struggle as "mild" or "not that big of a deal." But to me, it feels like a gut-wrenching, soul sucking journey that makes me feel so alone. And so, here I am, hoping that somehow putting my words into writing will help me to heal.
I will go further into my story at other times, but here is the short version in numbers:
14 months trying to get pregnant
7 months before my first pregnancy
12 weeks at the time of my first miscarriage
2 D&C procedures performed in the hospital
3 months until my 2nd pregnancy
6 weeks when I heard the heartbeat
8 weeks at the time of my second miscarriage
1 more D&C in the hospital
8 ultrasounds in 6 months
1 appointment with a fertility specialist
5 times that I've had my blood drawn in the past month
0 days where I have not thought about how much this all SUCKS
And, there it is. In writing. Like I said, I know it could be worse, but right now, this is my story. It sucks. And now I wait.
Do you have a story? I think the thing I have been searching for the most is community. I am yearning for shared experiences, stories with positive endings, and most of all: SUPPORT. I just want someone to understand. I want someone else to be pissed and sad and then pissed again, and to tell me that that's ok. So, what's your story?
And, my story is very different and yet similar to/from all the other women who are also struggling with this issue. Everyone who has been diagnosed with infertility has a slightly different story. Some women have been struggling for 10 years, and may view my struggle as "mild" or "not that big of a deal." But to me, it feels like a gut-wrenching, soul sucking journey that makes me feel so alone. And so, here I am, hoping that somehow putting my words into writing will help me to heal.
I will go further into my story at other times, but here is the short version in numbers:
14 months trying to get pregnant
7 months before my first pregnancy
12 weeks at the time of my first miscarriage
2 D&C procedures performed in the hospital
3 months until my 2nd pregnancy
6 weeks when I heard the heartbeat
8 weeks at the time of my second miscarriage
1 more D&C in the hospital
8 ultrasounds in 6 months
1 appointment with a fertility specialist
5 times that I've had my blood drawn in the past month
0 days where I have not thought about how much this all SUCKS
And, there it is. In writing. Like I said, I know it could be worse, but right now, this is my story. It sucks. And now I wait.
Do you have a story? I think the thing I have been searching for the most is community. I am yearning for shared experiences, stories with positive endings, and most of all: SUPPORT. I just want someone to understand. I want someone else to be pissed and sad and then pissed again, and to tell me that that's ok. So, what's your story?
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