The Diagnosis

So, here it is: I am/might be/could be infertile. Wow, it's a really hard thing to type. But, that's the term for it. That's the DIAGNOSIS. And, it's weird because it has so many different meanings and levels.

And, my story is very different and yet similar to/from all the other women who are also struggling with this issue. Everyone who has been diagnosed with infertility has a slightly different story. Some women have been struggling for 10 years, and may view my struggle as "mild" or "not that big of a deal." But to me, it feels like a gut-wrenching, soul sucking journey that makes me feel so alone. And so, here I am, hoping that somehow putting my words into writing will help me to heal.

I will go further into my story at other times, but here is the short version in numbers:

14 months trying to get pregnant

7 months before my first pregnancy

12 weeks at the time of my first miscarriage

2 D&C procedures performed in the hospital

3 months until my 2nd pregnancy

6 weeks when I heard the heartbeat

8 weeks at the time of my second miscarriage

1 more D&C in the hospital

8 ultrasounds in 6 months

1 appointment with a fertility specialist

5 times that I've had my blood drawn in the past month

0 days where I have not thought about how much this all SUCKS

And, there it is. In writing. Like I said, I know it could be worse, but right now, this is my story. It sucks. And now I wait.

Do you have a story? I think the thing I have been searching for the most is community. I am yearning for shared experiences, stories with positive endings, and most of all: SUPPORT. I just want someone to understand. I want someone else to be pissed and sad and then pissed again, and to tell me that that's ok. So, what's your story?