I don't swear all that much in my daily life. I am fairly perky and positive. But, sometimes you just have to say/scream FUCK. Because sometimes things suck. No, they fucking suck, and you and I have the right to say that.
On the front page of yahoo this weekend was the headline: J-Wow is pregnant. J-Wow. First off, if you don't know who "J-Wow" is, lets just start with the name. It has the word "wow" right in it, so that's gotta tell you something.
I watched J-Wow a couple of times on MTV's "Jersey Shore." She now has her own spin-off show with Snooki. That's right, Snooki. I watched this woman get tanned, toned, drunk, sick, felt-up...well, you get the picture. Anyway, she's pregnant. This woman. J-Wow. But, I'm not. And I'm lovely and have never done those things (on tv anyway or since I reached my thirties...).
So, this is one of those things that just doesn't seem fair. And so to this I yell: FUUUCCKKK.
You can too, it's ok.
Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
Saturday, January 4, 2014
The Diagnosis
So, here it is: I am/might be/could be infertile. Wow, it's a really hard thing to type. But, that's the term for it. That's the DIAGNOSIS. And, it's weird because it has so many different meanings and levels.
And, my story is very different and yet similar to/from all the other women who are also struggling with this issue. Everyone who has been diagnosed with infertility has a slightly different story. Some women have been struggling for 10 years, and may view my struggle as "mild" or "not that big of a deal." But to me, it feels like a gut-wrenching, soul sucking journey that makes me feel so alone. And so, here I am, hoping that somehow putting my words into writing will help me to heal.
I will go further into my story at other times, but here is the short version in numbers:
14 months trying to get pregnant
7 months before my first pregnancy
12 weeks at the time of my first miscarriage
2 D&C procedures performed in the hospital
3 months until my 2nd pregnancy
6 weeks when I heard the heartbeat
8 weeks at the time of my second miscarriage
1 more D&C in the hospital
8 ultrasounds in 6 months
1 appointment with a fertility specialist
5 times that I've had my blood drawn in the past month
0 days where I have not thought about how much this all SUCKS
And, there it is. In writing. Like I said, I know it could be worse, but right now, this is my story. It sucks. And now I wait.
Do you have a story? I think the thing I have been searching for the most is community. I am yearning for shared experiences, stories with positive endings, and most of all: SUPPORT. I just want someone to understand. I want someone else to be pissed and sad and then pissed again, and to tell me that that's ok. So, what's your story?
And, my story is very different and yet similar to/from all the other women who are also struggling with this issue. Everyone who has been diagnosed with infertility has a slightly different story. Some women have been struggling for 10 years, and may view my struggle as "mild" or "not that big of a deal." But to me, it feels like a gut-wrenching, soul sucking journey that makes me feel so alone. And so, here I am, hoping that somehow putting my words into writing will help me to heal.
I will go further into my story at other times, but here is the short version in numbers:
14 months trying to get pregnant
7 months before my first pregnancy
12 weeks at the time of my first miscarriage
2 D&C procedures performed in the hospital
3 months until my 2nd pregnancy
6 weeks when I heard the heartbeat
8 weeks at the time of my second miscarriage
1 more D&C in the hospital
8 ultrasounds in 6 months
1 appointment with a fertility specialist
5 times that I've had my blood drawn in the past month
0 days where I have not thought about how much this all SUCKS
And, there it is. In writing. Like I said, I know it could be worse, but right now, this is my story. It sucks. And now I wait.
Do you have a story? I think the thing I have been searching for the most is community. I am yearning for shared experiences, stories with positive endings, and most of all: SUPPORT. I just want someone to understand. I want someone else to be pissed and sad and then pissed again, and to tell me that that's ok. So, what's your story?
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